Share your joints. Worry about yourself.

So this is a real entry finally. I've done a lot of "growing" these last few days. The title of this entry is a quote from someone I visit quite regularly that, when taken out of context, I think is a pretty good mantra to have. I have a bad habit of taking care of others before I take care of myself, ending in me usually getting ass raped by life in general, due to my lack of self-nurturing. I might not give a shit what people think most of the time, but I like making people happy. I can't handle when I'm the reason why anyone is feeling a bit sub-par.
Taking this into consideration, I have been working on my film and finally just realized why I was so lost with it.
I hate the love interest in my film, and I didn't know why she kept coming across as this person that was very easy to hate, even though, deep down, I knew she was worth loving.
That was until I realized that she is myself.
I can't pinpoint what is great about Abby because I don't even understand myself at all yet. I don't get what my appeal is. On paper, I'm just a world class fuck up that feels sorry for herself and worries about other people's problems so she doesn't have to deal with her own.
There's nothing to love there, but still, people (not many, mind you) manage to love me every single day, and not all of them are doing so just because they're required to due to my genetic pool.
I don't understand her because she's not a creation. And none of us understand ourselves.
I thought people who've read my script identified me with Abby because she's an artist, and it's easy to make the connection. Not once did I write a note of her character basing her on myself. I soon saw it come out naturally, and that's when I started hating her. I realize that I couldn't figure out her appeal because no one can really figure out their own appeal, even though we're all pretty structured to be able to find the positives in anyone else. Even though we choose to do the opposite often.
I'm rewriting the film more, and I will likely rewrite the shit out of it constantly from now until January. We'll see who Abby ends up being later. But until then, it would be nice to figure out what's so great about me, because right now this film sucks balls and even if it doesn't help the character writing process, it would certainly help my self esteem.

peace.
rae-alex smith.